Acute

Recently I have become acutely aware of you being gone. In a very surreal way - i know it's true but



I'm not ready.

Purple-eyed Monster?

Grief is a funny creature. Every time you think you've gotten yourself back to level something sneaks up and bites you. Today, for me, it was purple pens. Yup, that's right, i said it, purple pens. Why, you ask would purple pens send me into a snot-filled crying fit in the middle of the aisle of my local Walgreens? While the the stock clerk looked on as if i were some sort of school girl pitching a fit because they didn't have the color glitter I wanted to put on my birthday party invitations.

So why purple pens? Well, in medical school with all the long hours spent in front of a computer or in a lecture hall you learn to appreciate the SMALL things. Whether it's a friend bringing you a cup of coffee you weren't expecting, a ten minute study break to play pool or ping pong, or the color of pen you use to take notes during said monotonous hours of note taking. My preference, especially when i'm feeling sorry for myself or really hate the topic is purple. Last year at some point toward the end of the year I was having a marathon study session in our living room the night before an exam when my dear husband came into the room to check on me as he oft did. I was siting on the couch, pouting and shaking my purple pen. I allowed as how it was a bad omen that the night before my exam my purple pen would run out. Kevin asked me if i could use anything from the store to complete my marathon and disappeared into the night to journey the two blocks to our local Walgreens. When he returned he came bearing gifts of study food which i had expected and (very unexpectedly) a CASE of 20 purple pens!!! Imagine my delight as I sat on my couch eating crappy food shoveling knowledge into my brain while writing with a purple pen. This has always stood out to me as one of the most amazingly romantic things my husband did for me in our short 18 month marriage. It's funny what sticks out when you're looking through the bifocals of hindsight.

So, yes, walgreen's employee, I am blubbering in Walgreens because not only is your musak playing "I'm yours" by Jason Mraz but i just saw a purple pen on the rack at your store. I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable but until you lose your purple weapon wielding prince...you'll never understand.

New Beginnings

18 months ago I started this blog with the purpose of chronicling the difficult road of adapting to my husband’s life in the fire service. I failed in that regard, however, today I’ve decided to revamp. I did get some remarkable insight into relationships, love and what’s important in the world from the last 18 months – 2 years. However, today I can unfortunately no longer call myself a fireman’s wife. My husband, and best friend of 10 years died almost 2 months ago. I have decided that instead of our chronicles which I now desperately wish I had written, I will write the story of dealing with the grief of his loss and the challenges of continuing life.

Goodnight, sweet prince. I will always love you. I’ll meet you in my dreams.

Who Rescues the Rescuers?

This is an article I wrote for my medical school publication after a particularly difficult call that K went on. It took us a couple of weeks to fully recover from the damage it caused to his psyche.

What is your job as a doctor? Is it to know anatomy, biochemistry, pathology and pharmacology? Sure. However, it is more than just that, we share a very unique burden with law enforcement and other emergency personnel. Except for a small number of specialties, you will often be treating patients when they are very ill. It is our job to treat a whole person; part of that burden is treating their emotions. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with the most painful aspects of the human condition it is hard not to let it affect you personally.

Medical school attracts highly motivated, type A personalities who are used to being a person who is depended upon. Medical training also seems to impress upon students a somewhat casual approach to death and pain, beginning with cadaver dissection and moving on through clinical rotations. During the clinical years a student or resident can feel like showing any perceived weakness might hurt their grade or change how they are viewed by their mentors. Much of this problem comes from pride; the culture of physicians includes the ability to be a casual observer of these most difficult parts of life.

Home life may not be much improvement, especially if one does not have a good support system or someone else who can empathize at home. Often times it is even suggested to emergency responders not to “bring work home” with them. So imagine this scenario: you have just worked a twelve hour shift of dealing with other people’s pain, you know you have no one you can talk to about it and you know that when you leave work you have people who are depending on you to complete your responsibilities at home; it is easy to see why there is such a high prevalence of drug and alcohol abuse amongst physicians and other emergency personnel.

It is incredibly important, in my opinion, to learn early in a career how to debrief effectively. It is inevitable that at some point you will see a patient that will trouble you. They will remind you of your mother, your children, a painful situation in your past, or you may have a patient die and feel like it was your fault; something will get into your head. It is our job to be able to compartmentalize our emotions to effectively take care of our job and treat the patient at that moment. However, leaving your emotions compartmentalized will effect all of your personal relationships and in the long run is detrimental to your entire life and leads to burnout.

So who rescues the rescuers? We all do, it is our responsibility as a community to be able to recognize the signs of someone having a difficult time and to be available for them. It is our job to support the members of our teams and realize that everyone will eventually have a problem like this. It is also our job to be open enough to recognize these feelings in ourselves and seek out help instead of letting them fester because we are no use to anyone if we are broken.

“Physician, help yourself: thus you help your patient too” – Nietzsche

5/26/09

    The night before seems to be the hardest time for me. I want to be close to touch you, feel you, smell you. But the more I do the harder the morning is. I want to be close, yet distant at the same time. I want you to hold me tight and comfort me but that just intensifies the empty feeling brought on by the cool morning air on my skin without you there to shield me. You sleep so calmly, the universe couldn't rouse you with it's problems. As you sleep your whole world is peaceful, serene, unfettered while I am tormented by the demons in my nightmares.

5/23/09

     I don't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but because I would rather listen to you breathe & mumble under your breath. It has been 3 weeks since our wedding and when you aren't here I am paralyzed. Our house is dirty, we are out of groceries. All a result of one simple fact; When you are here I don't care and when you are gone you are the only thing I think about. I know that I need to learn, need to accept my place but it's not easy.

    Our lives together have not been simple or easy. We have had periods where I didn't think we'd make it. Now that we have, I can't stop counting my blessings. I am so lucky. I have an amazing man who, despite the aura he wants to portray, is a loving, caring passionate man. Above all that, the best part; for some reason, he loves me. Me. Do you know how lucky that makes me? I have a man, a husband who can bring a smile to my heart anytime of the day with a simple "Hey baby." I love him so much that I wear his cologne when he's not home just so I feel he's close to me. I can't sleep in our bed alone. 

    All of this, all the amazing things that come with my new life and I am terrified. Why? I feel as if I have a kite in my hands, a kite I love very much, and with one strong or unexpected gust, the universe could snatch it out of my hands. I am scared that now that I am truly happy; one of the rare times in my life that I have been truly happy; that I could loose it all.

    That's why it is so hard for me, why I haven't been adjusting well. I don't think i would survive the grief of loosing him. I still feel nine year old pangs of grief and that relationship lasted 2-3 months. I have trouble remembering what my life was like before him and now I can't picture it without him. Please, please don't let him leave me.

     I don't deserve the happiness he's brought me. I am not the praying kind but every third day while I'm alone I ask the universe to bring him home to me in the morning. Preferably happy and healthy but at the very least HOME.