5/26/09

    The night before seems to be the hardest time for me. I want to be close to touch you, feel you, smell you. But the more I do the harder the morning is. I want to be close, yet distant at the same time. I want you to hold me tight and comfort me but that just intensifies the empty feeling brought on by the cool morning air on my skin without you there to shield me. You sleep so calmly, the universe couldn't rouse you with it's problems. As you sleep your whole world is peaceful, serene, unfettered while I am tormented by the demons in my nightmares.

5/23/09

     I don't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but because I would rather listen to you breathe & mumble under your breath. It has been 3 weeks since our wedding and when you aren't here I am paralyzed. Our house is dirty, we are out of groceries. All a result of one simple fact; When you are here I don't care and when you are gone you are the only thing I think about. I know that I need to learn, need to accept my place but it's not easy.

    Our lives together have not been simple or easy. We have had periods where I didn't think we'd make it. Now that we have, I can't stop counting my blessings. I am so lucky. I have an amazing man who, despite the aura he wants to portray, is a loving, caring passionate man. Above all that, the best part; for some reason, he loves me. Me. Do you know how lucky that makes me? I have a man, a husband who can bring a smile to my heart anytime of the day with a simple "Hey baby." I love him so much that I wear his cologne when he's not home just so I feel he's close to me. I can't sleep in our bed alone. 

    All of this, all the amazing things that come with my new life and I am terrified. Why? I feel as if I have a kite in my hands, a kite I love very much, and with one strong or unexpected gust, the universe could snatch it out of my hands. I am scared that now that I am truly happy; one of the rare times in my life that I have been truly happy; that I could loose it all.

    That's why it is so hard for me, why I haven't been adjusting well. I don't think i would survive the grief of loosing him. I still feel nine year old pangs of grief and that relationship lasted 2-3 months. I have trouble remembering what my life was like before him and now I can't picture it without him. Please, please don't let him leave me.

     I don't deserve the happiness he's brought me. I am not the praying kind but every third day while I'm alone I ask the universe to bring him home to me in the morning. Preferably happy and healthy but at the very least HOME.