5/23/09

     I don't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but because I would rather listen to you breathe & mumble under your breath. It has been 3 weeks since our wedding and when you aren't here I am paralyzed. Our house is dirty, we are out of groceries. All a result of one simple fact; When you are here I don't care and when you are gone you are the only thing I think about. I know that I need to learn, need to accept my place but it's not easy.

    Our lives together have not been simple or easy. We have had periods where I didn't think we'd make it. Now that we have, I can't stop counting my blessings. I am so lucky. I have an amazing man who, despite the aura he wants to portray, is a loving, caring passionate man. Above all that, the best part; for some reason, he loves me. Me. Do you know how lucky that makes me? I have a man, a husband who can bring a smile to my heart anytime of the day with a simple "Hey baby." I love him so much that I wear his cologne when he's not home just so I feel he's close to me. I can't sleep in our bed alone. 

    All of this, all the amazing things that come with my new life and I am terrified. Why? I feel as if I have a kite in my hands, a kite I love very much, and with one strong or unexpected gust, the universe could snatch it out of my hands. I am scared that now that I am truly happy; one of the rare times in my life that I have been truly happy; that I could loose it all.

    That's why it is so hard for me, why I haven't been adjusting well. I don't think i would survive the grief of loosing him. I still feel nine year old pangs of grief and that relationship lasted 2-3 months. I have trouble remembering what my life was like before him and now I can't picture it without him. Please, please don't let him leave me.

     I don't deserve the happiness he's brought me. I am not the praying kind but every third day while I'm alone I ask the universe to bring him home to me in the morning. Preferably happy and healthy but at the very least HOME.