Acute

Recently I have become acutely aware of you being gone. In a very surreal way - i know it's true but



I'm not ready.

Purple-eyed Monster?

Grief is a funny creature. Every time you think you've gotten yourself back to level something sneaks up and bites you. Today, for me, it was purple pens. Yup, that's right, i said it, purple pens. Why, you ask would purple pens send me into a snot-filled crying fit in the middle of the aisle of my local Walgreens? While the the stock clerk looked on as if i were some sort of school girl pitching a fit because they didn't have the color glitter I wanted to put on my birthday party invitations.

So why purple pens? Well, in medical school with all the long hours spent in front of a computer or in a lecture hall you learn to appreciate the SMALL things. Whether it's a friend bringing you a cup of coffee you weren't expecting, a ten minute study break to play pool or ping pong, or the color of pen you use to take notes during said monotonous hours of note taking. My preference, especially when i'm feeling sorry for myself or really hate the topic is purple. Last year at some point toward the end of the year I was having a marathon study session in our living room the night before an exam when my dear husband came into the room to check on me as he oft did. I was siting on the couch, pouting and shaking my purple pen. I allowed as how it was a bad omen that the night before my exam my purple pen would run out. Kevin asked me if i could use anything from the store to complete my marathon and disappeared into the night to journey the two blocks to our local Walgreens. When he returned he came bearing gifts of study food which i had expected and (very unexpectedly) a CASE of 20 purple pens!!! Imagine my delight as I sat on my couch eating crappy food shoveling knowledge into my brain while writing with a purple pen. This has always stood out to me as one of the most amazingly romantic things my husband did for me in our short 18 month marriage. It's funny what sticks out when you're looking through the bifocals of hindsight.

So, yes, walgreen's employee, I am blubbering in Walgreens because not only is your musak playing "I'm yours" by Jason Mraz but i just saw a purple pen on the rack at your store. I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable but until you lose your purple weapon wielding prince...you'll never understand.

New Beginnings

18 months ago I started this blog with the purpose of chronicling the difficult road of adapting to my husband’s life in the fire service. I failed in that regard, however, today I’ve decided to revamp. I did get some remarkable insight into relationships, love and what’s important in the world from the last 18 months – 2 years. However, today I can unfortunately no longer call myself a fireman’s wife. My husband, and best friend of 10 years died almost 2 months ago. I have decided that instead of our chronicles which I now desperately wish I had written, I will write the story of dealing with the grief of his loss and the challenges of continuing life.

Goodnight, sweet prince. I will always love you. I’ll meet you in my dreams.